I feel like a prisoner trapped inside my own mind. So many things constantly running through my head, where its a very lonely place to be. For every good day I have there are 5-6 bad days. I sit down in my room (in a lonely basement), all alone day after day with to much time to sit & think about everything…How lonely and miserable i am in this life. How even though i am living with “friends”, I still have no friends near me. I miss back home so much, but there is still a part of me telling myself this is where i need to be to find my ultimate happiness in life. That going back home every time ive left hasnt changed anything in my life most of all my happiness. As my ex and i have gone back and forth so many times in these past couple of weeks about us both moving back home with one another, constant bickering still, I know deep down itd be another mistake made on this long road of life for me. My best friend wants me to come back home also and while i do miss having a close friend whom i can share everything with, i still cant shake the feeling that going back home will only prolong my suffering of being unhappy and unsuccessful in life. Although….Maybe its not the destination in which i live causing my misery and failure, but perhaps its just how im destined to live my entire life.As my debit for rent racks up, due to my being terminated from my job, I cant help but want to run even further away from home then i already am, in hopes of finally finding myself, my happiness, and my purpose in life.
Maybe my ex is right….maybe i am on a bad path of self destruction..and maybe this place im in now is even worse for me then ever. Im just so lost & confused. Ive turned back to pills and alcohol again…I havent been without either in some time now. Taking a minimum of one pill and at least one shot of whiskey a day….As i sit here writing this post, sipping on a 5th of fireball, high on oxys, I cant help but be just as depressed as i was when i went to bed last night alone after a night of drinking with “friends” and a stranger id never met until last night. Although i do have a hint of satisfaction for myself in turning said stranger down in accompanying me for the entire night and going to bed alone, just me and my furbabies.
Every day i wake up and put on this fake face of im ok, im strong and nothing can tear me down…until im alone here in the basement…my comfort zone of my bedroom…then all i can do is sit and think, causing my depression to flare up until it has spiraled out of control and i start to cry. (im choking back the tears now as i swallow the lump in my throat and take another swig from the bottle).
As you can clearly see im in a crazy state of mind, as my thoughts jump from one to the next. I feel like this is when i should probably hop in my car and go for a drive to try to clear my mind some, but with it being broken right now i cant afford to do so because it is running so rough and eating gas, and not having a job anymore i can no longer afford the gas its guzzling to just take a drive. Last time i felt myself getting this low i drove over to the lake, smoked a joint in my car (alone), took out my camera and found the beauty in my surroundings…then returned to my moms where i could get lost in a tv/movie on netflix….I feel like that might not even be enough right now anyways, and that id need to take a much longer trip, in which i cant afford to take right now. A few times ive almost loaded my car up and drove down to Cleveland to stay with my ex..Not telling anyone i was leaving or where i was going…But with our poor relationship and our history on not getting alone for more then a day at a time, i know thatd be another huge mistake for myself.
I only wish i knew what to do and where to go from here. Im tired. Im lonely. and im honestly ready to be at rest for good. Im accepting im going to be alone for the rest of this miserable life…im just not for how much longer this life should last anymore. I miss so much about my past and the life ive already had, and i cant help but wonder if ill ever have a life like ive had again…will i ever REALLY be happy again? will i ever REALLY know what its like to have a normal happy carefree life again??????
So many times ive wished i could just go back to being 15 again…theres a few things id do differently. I had a very fulfilling, fun and exciting childhood, but i would like to relive it over again…Id like it to last much longer….Id wait to get married, and let my life continue as it was when i was only 19 and decided it was time to settle down…I only wish id of waited because clearly a 19 year old has no buisness getting married and settling down when there life has yet to even begin.
Well i guess im gonna lay down again where i shall remain for the remainder of this lousy day, watching lame tv shows on netflix, all alone, wishing i were some place else.
xo Walking Disaster