Prisoner Of My Own Mind….

Published January 22, 2017 by WalkingDisaster83

trapped_inside_my_own_mind_by_muriee-d7ccwez

I feel like a prisoner trapped inside my own mind. So many things constantly running through my head, where its a very lonely place to be. For every good day I have there are 5-6 bad days. I sit down in my room (in a lonely basement), all alone day after day with to much time to sit & think about everything…How lonely and miserable i am in this life. How even though i am living with “friends”, I still have no friends near me. I miss back home so much, but there is still a part of me telling myself this is where i need to be to find my ultimate happiness in life. That going back home every time ive left hasnt changed anything in my life most of all my happiness. As my ex and i have gone back and forth so many times in these past couple of weeks about us both moving back home with one another, constant bickering still, I know deep down itd be another mistake made on this long road of life for me. My best friend wants me to come back home also and while i do miss having a close friend whom i can share everything with, i still cant shake the feeling that going back home will only prolong my suffering of being unhappy and unsuccessful in life. Although….Maybe its not the destination in which i live causing my misery and failure, but perhaps its just how im destined to live my entire life.As my debit for rent racks up, due to my being terminated from my job, I cant help but want to run even further away from home then i already am, in hopes of finally finding myself, my happiness, and my purpose in life.

Maybe my ex is right….maybe i am on a bad path of self destruction..and maybe this place im in now is even worse for me then ever. Im just so lost & confused. Ive turned back to pills and alcohol again…I havent been without either in some time now. Taking a minimum of one pill and at least one shot of whiskey a day….As i sit here writing this post, sipping on a 5th of fireball, high on oxys, I cant help but be just as depressed as i was when i went to bed last night alone after a night of drinking with “friends” and a stranger id never met until last night. Although i do have a hint of satisfaction for myself in turning said stranger down in accompanying me for the entire night and going to bed alone, just me and my furbabies.

Every day i wake up and put on this fake face of im ok, im strong and nothing can tear me down…until im alone here in the basement…my comfort zone of my bedroom…then all i can do is sit and think, causing my depression to flare up until it has spiraled out of control and i start to cry. (im choking back the tears now as i swallow the lump in my throat and take another swig from the bottle).

As you can clearly see im in a crazy state of mind, as my thoughts jump from one to the next. I feel like this is when i should probably hop in my car and go for a drive to try to clear my mind some, but with it being broken right now i cant afford to do so because it is running so rough and eating gas, and not having a job anymore i can no longer afford the gas its guzzling to just take a drive. Last time i felt myself getting this low i drove over to the lake, smoked a joint in my car (alone), took out my camera and found the beauty in my surroundings…then returned to my moms where i could get lost in a tv/movie on netflix….I feel like that might not even be enough right now anyways, and that id need to take a much longer trip, in which i cant afford to take right now. A few times ive almost loaded my car up and drove down to Cleveland to stay with my ex..Not telling anyone i was leaving or where i was going…But with our poor relationship and our history on not getting alone for more then a day at a time, i know thatd be another huge mistake for myself.

I only wish i knew what to do and where to go from here. Im tired. Im lonely. and im honestly ready to be at rest for good. Im accepting im going to be alone for the rest of this miserable life…im just not for how much longer this life should last anymore. I miss so much about my past and the life ive already had, and i cant help but wonder if ill ever have a life like ive had again…will i ever REALLY be happy again? will i ever REALLY know what its like to have a normal happy carefree life again??????

So many times ive wished i could just go back to being 15 again…theres a few things id do differently. I had a very fulfilling, fun and exciting childhood, but i would like to relive it over again…Id like it to last much longer….Id wait to get married, and let my life continue as it was when i was only 19 and decided it was time to settle down…I only wish id of waited because clearly a 19 year old has no buisness getting married and settling down when there life has yet to even begin.

Well i guess im gonna lay down again where i shall remain for the remainder of this lousy day, watching lame tv shows on netflix, all alone, wishing i were some place else.

 

xo Walking Disaster

Bipolar ramblings & an apology to you. 

Published January 3, 2017 by WalkingDisaster83

I just wanted to put this apology on here for anyone that does actually read my blog posts. I know some of my posts ramble on & on, or i will jump from one subject to the next, & for that i apologize.. My brain usually has a million things racing through it & i try to just type out whatever is running across my mind at the time im writing. I’m not sure 100% if it’s due to my bipolar or something else that causes my mind to have no off switch or even a slow down mode.

Well before I make another babbled post I’m going to end this post here by apologizing once again. I thank you for actually reading my messy posts as I never write them with the intention of someone else might read them.. I actually write  them as if no one else is going to read them. So I also should apologize for the lack of filter I have… I’m sorta this way in person to, & it’s gotten myself into trouble a few times not being able to filter what I say. 
Well again I’m going to try to lay down & fall asleep while this house is quiet. I will publish this post along with my previous post some time tomo when I leave or wifi is back on. 

Good night (again) 
💋babbling, Walking Disaster💋 

The sneaky asshole known as depression, at it again…

Published January 3, 2017 by WalkingDisaster83

My depression is setting in again, it’s been awhile since I felt like I was really getting depressed.. I don’t know why or what has triggered it this time, i just know that I’m starting to feel alone & hopeless again. It’s probably not helping that all I do is work & then come home & sit down in My bedroom in the basement & watch the same movies I’ve seen a dozen plus times, while drinking fireball & on some nights (like today) smoking a bowl. Also probably not helping that my roommates still haven’t paid the Internet/cable bill so I can’t even txt, fb, or messenger message anyone (unless I use my minute phone which requires me to sit right by the front door in my room with the cold draft on me.. Then I can text people at least but nothing else).  

 I ended up drinking a little to much fireball last night & woke up this morning at 3am for work half hungover & half still drunk, feeling like absolute shit. Ended up throwing up just outside the store this morning when I was walking in to open :?😷😝. Made for a very long 8 hour shift feeling that way. But I made it through the day without leaving early like I’d really wanted to. Tried to take a nap after work but of course I wasn’t able to doze off for more then 10 minutes 3 different times before I gave up on the roommates staying outta my room. Talked to my ex very little today but he says he hasn’t had any luck in finding us a place to stay back home, but is still looking for us. Then I finishes watching the twilight series id left off on yesterday (and it’s about the 6th or 7th times I’ve watched them all since our cable n Internet got shut off). Sent my mom a text but of course I got no reply from her. I think she’s pissed at me for not making her a payment this past weekend (on a high electric bill she claims is all my fault. Smh). But I can’t help it if I don’t have the money to give her. It’s not as if I’m just not paying her but I just didn’t have it. Making the little amount of money that I make & having to pay $300 in rent ($75 a weekly because I don’t even make enough to save up), plus I’m helping support my roommates also, because they’re constantly asking me for my 4 cats food so they can feed their dogs, & then they’ve been out of shampoo, Conditioner & body wash since right after I moved in here a month ago.. So they’ve been using all of mine (plus my Shaving cream as well). Then they will drink up all my liquor I buy myself, “borrow” cigarette tubes & tobacco (&have yet to even offer to replace it). They’ll ask me to grab shit from work for them saying they’ll pay me bk when I get home & then never do… And of course I am afraid to out right ask them for the money (why I’m not really sure when I’m not a scared or shy person at all.. I guess just cause i hate confrontation).

Anyways smoked a bowl about 6pm (it’s currently going on 930pm,though i won’t be able to publish this post until tomo when I either leave the house or our Internet comes bk on, cause Mrs T says she’s gonna go pay it in the morning…We’ll  see).& now I’m laying here watching dead pool for the 2nd time in the last week. Just had to pop one of my oxys because I could tell the one I took this morning before work was completely out of my system, as I  was starting to get the withdrawal symptoms & my back was starting to hurt. I really wish I could find another Dr (one near me preferably) that would prescribe me my tramadol again because having to buy oxys every single week is a big thing that’s killing me on money & another reason I have none to save up. I generally spend $75 a week,  minimum,  just on them..sometimes more. I wish I’d of never started back on taking pain pills 4.5 years ago, because I’m readdicted to them & every time I want to try to quit them cold turkey I can’t because of one reason or another.. Currently the reason is because I don’t want to lose my job & in order for me to quit them on my own I’d have to have at least a week off of work to go through the being sick from.  Withdrawing.. & i just can’t afford to take a week off. I’ve considered trying to tell my Dr about my addiction problem and see if he can help me get through it by ways of other medications (or whatever else they might use), but I’m honestly afraid that I tell him & he tries to help me get off of them & it fails & I’m still sicker then fuck not having them in my system & then my Dr knows about it & refuses to treat me anymore or he could turn me in to cops for buying illegal pills cause they’re not mine… But I’m not even going to lie, I miss the high i use to get from taking just one little tiny pill. Now if I want to feel that high I have to take 3 or 4 oxy tens & i just can’t afford to take them just for the high. 

My ex says I’m self destructing (& to knock it off), because I take pills (which I always have as long as he’s known me but before I was only on tramadol and then xanex (which I can’t get either up here where I’m living now).. Plus smoking more weed then I normally do. I use to only smoke on occasion & only take a couple hits off a bowl, but lately I’ve been smoking pretty often, & even drank some cannamilk that my roommate made (which was a really good high lol).  Plus I’ve been drinking a lot more then i normally do. I have had an alcohol problem in the past as well when I was only about 16-17 yrs old. I’ve HAD to have at least a few shots of fireball every day, to the point I’m even sneaking drinks at work when I go out to my car for a cigarette. At least 3 of my coworkers know i drink while on the clock because they’ve all seen me. I’ve even mixed some bacardi with soda so I could drink while in the store & working. I don’t feel it’s self destruction, but more a way to feel good & to not have to deal with reality all the time. It also helps to keep me calmer so I don’t explode on someone (someone like say my roommates or even a asshole customer at work). 

Speaking of work… I’m getting fucked over left & right at work. This week I’m on 6 days instead of 5 (not that I don’t want the money. It’s just I really need 2 days (minimum) off from that place. I need time to just sit or lay down & relax. I got stuck opening the store on the first so I couldn’t go out on new years eve and do anything (well I actually would have gone out had i of known my asshole roommates weren’t gonna let me get sleep for work),&to make it worse i didn’t even get holiday pay of dbl time because they don’t consider new years a holiday. So i worked new years eve morning, new years day, got stuck working on Thanksgiving in the middle of the day so that my mom had to plan dinner around my work. Got stuck working most the day on Christmas as well.. Luckily one of my coworkers took my hours on Christmas eve day because they scheduled me that day too & I would have missed the kids (my niece’s & nephews) opening all their gifts at my mom’s, as well as my grandparents visit that day(even if my grandmother doesn’t speak to me). I’d asked my assistant manager to start swapping me & another coworker or 2 on Sundays so that I didn’t get stuck opening the store every single Sunday where I can never go out on Saturday night with family or friends, & yet I’m still opening every Sunday. I understand I agreed to open Sundays when they hired me but they also told me I’d just be on mornings 5 days a week opening the store and then they changed it so i closed one day a week, & now that we’re down to 3 cashiers I’m only opening 2 days then closing the rest of the week. They wonder why they can’t keep help on there, we’ll maybe if they didn’t treat us like shit or paid us more to make it worth the bs we deal with… Then they might be able to keep good help. Since i started there back in July there is only me & one other cashier still there that hasn’t quit on them just yet. There’s been at least 3 cashiers, & 1 stocker that all quit that was there when I started. They just treat us poorly like we don’t matter & then have some ridiculous rules like no cell phones at work (OK I get a lot of places are this way, but its a gas station/liquor/convenience store for crying out loud & i manage to help my customers plus use my phone too.) then there’s the rule of no purses.. (neither of which I actually follow. I refuse to not have my phone and my purse. I have too many medications n stuff in my purse to not carry it with me. & there’s no way I’m opening that store at 430am (in the middle of bfe where there’s no street lights or anything) without my cell phone.. Wonder if I gotta call 911.. Because they only have the one corded phone in there & it’s in the front of the store. 

Anyways I guess I’m gonna lay back down & try to fall asleep since I’ve nothing else to do & it sounds like roomies went to bed…quietest this house has been in awhile (at night). Hopefully Mrs T will follow through with her telling me she’s paying our wifi bill in the morning & I can post this right from home in the morning or afternoon.

 Good night to anyone who may have read this entire babble blog. Sweet dreams & may your morning be wonderful. 😴 😴 

💋Walking Disaster💋

Repeat Days.. 

Published December 29, 2016 by WalkingDisaster83

Well today is my only day off of work this week, & unfortunately it’s gonna be a long day of doing nothing for me. My roommates still haven’t paid their cable/Internet bill (its been 2 weeks now that it has been shut off), & with my phone getting no signal here at home I won’t have ANYTHING to do but lay around watching the same old movies I’ve watched a million times from my hard drive. They’ve gotten my full amount of rent money from me for this month so my part has been paid, & it’s very aggravating to say the least that they can’t be responsible enough adults to make sure they pay the bills before buying stupid unnecessary shit like alcohol!! I’m pretty certain if they can afford to drink beer & a half pint to a pint of whiskey every day, then they should have been able to pay the Internet & cable bill. I have only been staying with them for just under a month now & already I dislike it here. Each day that passes more & more I think about going back to Cleveland with my ex. There’s a part of me that really wants to move back there & be with him again, but the other half of my brain says don’t do it you’d be making a huge mistake. I do still love him, & miss him like crazy… But all the fighting we did when we were together just caused me so much stress it was literally making me physically ill. But each time I’ve had a bad day, or even some times when I wake up at 3am to get ready to go to work, I think ‘why don’t I just take my check this week, pack up my car with all my stuff & my kitties and just drive down there to stay. 

I do sort of like living here up north, it’s just not the ideal place that I’m living IN… & to make things worse for myself I can’t seem to find anyone worth dating or that is willing to take things just a little bit slow. I’ve tried using dating apps to meet people but either the men on them don’t peek my interest at all or if I do give one a chance & we go out/hangout, they end up only wanting one thing from me & are not looking for a serious relationship like I am. The whole idea of dating overwhelms me. The meeting someone new, starting from not knowing one another & having to learn everything from nothing.. The not knowing if they’re being fake & will show their true self months down the line & we won’t end up getting along or I won’t end up liking the real them (because let’s face it people always act differently upon first meeting someone, until they get comfortable around them). 

Well I’m gonna lay down & watch twilight breaking dawn pt 2 (for the 3rd time in the last week). I won’t be able to upload this post until I leave the house at some point either today or tomo for work, so I may just add to it a little later. Until next time… 

❄💋 Walking Disaster 💋❄

Christmas 

Published December 27, 2016 by WalkingDisaster83

Another Christmas come & gone… Spent some time at my mom’s on Christmas eve, watching my niece’s & nephews open their gifts from me & my mom & my grandparents.  My grandparents showed up, which was nice to see them it’s just too bad my grandmother wants nothin to do with me anymore (why I have no idea). While I’m not usually one to care if anyone gets me anything, I was kinda bummed out that I didn’t get not even 1 gift from anyone in my family. I mean I’m used to it in a way because my family has not gotten me anything for Christmas in years now, but all the prior years I also didn’t live up north here near them & wasn’t ever around for Christmas. But this year they knew I’d be around for/on Christmas & still no one got me anything. It’s just so sad that my family doesn’t feel as if I should get anything too. Last year I bought some expensive ass gold/diamond earrings for my ex & he got me nothing in return except for him breaking up with me.. I always get the short end of the stick every Christmas, birthday & every other holiday. I wish I’d of been born into a family that actually gives a damn about me. Or I’d even be happy if I could finally meet a man that gives a shit about me & perhaps I could become apart of his family.. But as each year passes I’m realizing I just might end up alone completely. 

 My ex still wants me to move back to Cleveland & be with him & there is a part of me that really wants to do it, but I honestly think I’d be making a mistake & I’d be doing it for all the wrong reasons. Because I don’t believe in my heart he will change his ways, I don’t think we could ever really work out & me actually be happy w/ him. (although at one point I was.. I just don’t think after everything he’s put me through that things could ever be good again with us).  But the part of me that wants to go back to him, is that same part of me that is afraid I’ll always be alone & end up alone, & that thought scares me.  I have tried meeting new people & even dated one guy since him but it never works out. I’m always lied to or cheated on or both.. Or we just end up not clicking with one another! 

Worst part of it all for me is that I feel like I can’t get any where on my own no matter how hard I try. Seems it’s hopeless for me to get into my own place without the help of someone else & I really would have loved to live in my very own apartment or home just me & my cats (at least for a little while) & have no one to answer to, no one giving me rules in the house.. But no matter what i just don’t make enough money on my own to accomplish this. Hell I can’t even save up to get my car legal so I don’t end up losing that & my drivers license as well….. 

I really had hoped I’d be able to stay living up north here & get into my own home, but it’s looking more & more like I might have to go back to Cleveland w/ the ex so that him n I can together get into a place back home where we’re from… I just can’t see any other options for myself when I work full time & still don’t make enough money to pay rent & buy all the essentials I need day to day plus save up money too. 

 I just don’t know what to do anymore…. 

💋 LOST walking disaster 

I’ve moved yet again.. 

Published December 27, 2016 by WalkingDisaster83

Well here it is almost Christmas time again 🎄 Yay.. Not! For I am spending another year all alone :|. I’ve moved out or my mom’s filthy moldy garage (that’s semi good at least I am not cold and in such a dirty environment. Not worrying about my cats freezing to death every day when I leave for work for a min of 8 hours).. I moved into a room in a basement with a couple i met that were customers of mine for about 5 months now (was nice of them to trust me in such a short amount of time heh). It’s helping them out by me paying them rent & they are charging me about $100 less then my mom was charging me plus we have real heat, a real bathroom just upstairs that I don’t have to go outside in the freezing cold to get to. They’ve allowed me to eat meals they’ve prepared at dinner time with them even when I’ve not been able to supply much for groceries to help out. So it is a big help for me. There are some things I dislike about it though but I can’t complain to much considering all the good things there are (but I will anyways because it’s in my nature to complain about things).. I don’t get much for sleep as they tend to stay up later then I like to a lot of nights, and can get very loud stomping around upstairs, playing loud music, banging drums, Ect.. Then I have no privacy at all..both them and all their friends come n go through the door in the basement instead of their door upstairs. Which I really hate that, especially since they told me prior to and then several times after I moved in that both them and their friends would use their door upstairs because this door down here was to be my door only unless the guy of the house was leaving for work in the mornings because his tools for work are all down here in a little closet (which I was totally OK with that part n even that his tools stayed down here in the closet because it is their house n I understand limited space better then a lot of people).. But having random guys running through my room at night is not cool with me. Take last night for example the man of the houses brother n two of his friends came over while they were not even home..well I told them come in while I called him (well call them Mr n Mrs T). Mr T told his brother him n his friends could go upstairs n wait for him n his wife to get home,cool that should have all been fine rt? No, because one of Mr T’s Brothers friends kept coming bk down to my room bugging me (hitting on me basically) & to me that’s not cool cuz this is my fucking bedroom dude!! So then about 1am after the brother n his friends had gone home I’m fast asleep, all 4 kitties of mine passed out on top of me too..  Mr & Mrs T thought it’d be funny to sneak into my bedroom and light off firecrackers next to my bed and she also filmed it and put it up on Facebook too! I was yelling at them wtf u guys not ok! Just cuz u don’t gotta work in the morning I still do.. N then my room was so smokey I had to open the outside door for an hour n let all the cold air in. They scared my cats so bad they didn’t wanna come out for over an hour (when my oldest cat is terrified of fireworks when ppl light them off outside around 4th of July, let alone them going off inside our room rt fucking next to her).. I was PISSED!! This morning he apologized for it n said he wouldn’t do it again but she still has the fuckin video up on fb n I do not like that I’m filmed sleeping on fb for one! 

Another bad thing about living here is that Mrs T always ask me to pick her up shit from work like a Pint of fireball or pack of smokes or something that costs money…n then she never pays me for it n then I’ll be broke and can’t afford the shit I need myself! Or like I bought myself a pint of fireball n put it in the freezer and 2 times Mr T drank it n replaced it n 3rd time he’s like if u don’t drink it b4 me I’m not buying another one (well I didn’t wanna drink it that night I had to work next morning) n he drank it again n did not replace it, so there went my money on them yet again! They asked to borrow some of my cigarette tobacco n tubes.. Now it’s all gone n never got replaced n guess who has no money to buy myself more! Constantly they ask me for my cats food to feed their dogs.. I do not make much money working at a gas station to pay them rent plus support them too.. I just can’t do it!!! Especially since he makes more money then i do (if he’d actually take his ass to work, because he tends to call off A LOT. Then they can’t figure out why they’re 2 months behind on their mortgage!!) and she doesn’t work at all, just sits at home playing on Facebook most all day long & will quickly clean the house up before he gets home from work. It’s beyond frustrating when someone like me works their ass off to barely make ends meat & people just take take take from me. It makes me want to just give up on everything… I’m busting my ass working daily to keep a roof over mine & my cats heads & food in their bellies, & they’re taking advantage of me not having any where to go but in other bad situations.. 

Anyways sorry for the long ass rant (started this post about a week ago & forgot to hit publish so will publish it today I guess & will add another post about Christmas so this one isn’t dragged out any longer then it already is) 

💋Walking Disaster