Update

Well it’s been awhile since my last post… A lot has happened in that time. Not doing so good lately. Depression is starting to hit pretty hard once again. My now ex bf, (yes ex, as he left me, completely screwed with no vehicle & no home) moved away for work… We had been talking still & has been talking about trying to work things out when he comes back, but he’s been online dating & now not even speaking to me anymore. I can’t seem to let go & move on, I’ve signed up for a few dating sites myself & already removed myself again from those sites without so much as one conversation on any of them. The whole idea of dating someone new makes me sick to my stomach. At the same time the idea of being & remaining alone makes me even more depressed.

I just don’t think I can handle much more. I’m literally to the point again where I’m just ready for my life to be over already. No one should ever have to go through even half of the bs I’ve had to endure & I’m just so tired,  I don’t want to do it anymore :|.
I feel like such a fake and a liar when I talk to one of my other exes 17 year old daughter when she’s depressed & I try to be positive & in good spirits trying to help her get through her own depression while I’m actually going through it myself. If I didn’t know what’s it’s like to go through it & have no one to talk to about things, I don’t know if I could be so positive & that with her when she’s feeling the same way I do, but i want her to be able to have someone she can trust to talk to about it since I know how much worse it can be when you don’t have anyone to talk to or to say anything positive to you to help get you through it.
I also found out that my grandparents decided they no longer want anything to do with me, and i dont even know why or what I’ve done because the last few times I’d spoken to them everything seemed normal. The realization of being completely alone and having absolutely no one in my life makes me wonder why am I really stuck here on this earth with zero purpose in this world & living such a miserable unhappy lonely life. It’s like I’m already living in hell without even knowing it.
The more I try to better my own life, the harder I work & try the worse off I seem to get. Most people get into a rutt and then they get out.. I’ve been stuck in this same rutt for my entire life. I really truly wish when I cut my wrist I would have died, because there is no reason for me to live. I don’t want to & I just serve no purpose. What kind of God (if there really is one,  I’m not so sure anymore) would make someone live so miserably?!
Well time to cry myself to sleep again, I must get up in a few hours to bust my ass for minimum wage to never have a single thing to show for it.
-The life of a lonely walking disaster.